Thursday, September 27, 2012

Bonus vs Step in Blended Families


Does the Step in Stepmom and Stepchild really have a bad connotation? Frankly, I don't think it has anything to do with the actual word. If you are going to get your panties in a wad over a word that simply explains to others how your family fits together, good luck dealing with any issues that actually might affect your life.

I've been a stepmom for about a year now. Or to be completely upfront and exact, I have been in my boyfriend's, childrens' lives for almost a year. Dad's girlfriend really doesn't do justice to my position in the kids lives. I never thought much about the term stepmom. When I found myself becoming one I defined it as, at dad's house I "step" in and fill the mother role. That is not actually where the step comes from, if you want to know the actual origin you can try to dissect the definition found in the Online Etymology Dictionary.

Some stepmoms opt to use the word "bonus" instead of step. This I don't understand. In a child's life how in the world can one more parent be a bonus? Kids want to rebel and get away with all the things we tell them not to do. I'm pretty sure 3 or 4 parents instead of just 2 puts a major cramp in the ease of parental manipulation children are trying to achieve. They also now have to navigate the complicated and often negative relationships between all those parents.

I do see how the addition of another person can be a bonus, especially one who loves and cares for the child. A relationship that creates security is a bonus. An extra parent, not so much bonus there.

In my family we use the word step to help someone else see our family tree clearly. If someone calls me mom, no one jumps to correct them unless clarification is necessary. The step also helps the kids not feel like I am trying to take their mother's place. I'm not sure bonus would do the same thing.

Bonus just sounds like you are scared of the word step and the realities that come along with the fact that you are the stepmom not the mom. These are your step kids not your kids. Those can be painful facts to face. You have all the best intentions, but you are not an equal parent. You love these kids and you may be doing just as much if not more than their mom, but they don't love you the same way they love her.

You can use bonus, but the biological mom's at the soccer game are still not going to give you full mom credit. Your partner is still going to slip every once in a while and say, you don't understand because you don't have kids of your own. Your "bonus" kid is still going to going to yell, you aren't my mom when he gets mad.

Step is just a word and it happens to be the word used to describe the relationship between members of blended families. Changing the word won't change it's "connotation". I think what really needs to change is your perception of the word and perhaps your expectations of the relationships you are building.

7 comments:

  1. How can you call yourself a "STEPMOM", when you are not married to the childrens father???????

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    1. Thank you for inspiring the next post I will write about being a stepmom.

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  2. Make sure to consult with a "Stepmom" prior to writing that next post.

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    1. I consult with them all the time. My best friends are also stepmoms.

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  3. Ashley, I so agree with so much of what you wrote! I think "bonus -" is so hokey. As a stepmom, I am quite happy with that title and agree that some are just afraid of the sound of it for whatever reason. Too many Grimms' fairy tales? I had an awesome stepmom, so perhaps that's why I had no qualms with the sound of the title.

    "You love these kids and you may be doing just as much if not more than their mom, but they don't love you the same way they love her." That's the part that's so difficult: as stepmoms, we just don't have that mutual unconditional love built into us from birthing them ourselves. And that is the difference. We are not their mom and never will be, even when we may be a "better" parent than her. Ugh. But you know what sentiment I've seen from my stepkids that they don't share with their mom? Respect. On the one hand, it's affirming (admittedly, in a selfish way), and on the other, it's really, really sad. And it's not healthy, now or later (nor easy for my husband and me!), for the child to feel that way about their biomom.

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  4. PS Sorry for all the comments - I feel like a blog stalker but was just in the blog readin' and sharin' kind of mood!

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  5. Great post Ashley. It's great that you have such a positive outlook about being a stepmom.

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