Childless Stepmom Pains

I cry a lot. Big swollen tears that streak my cheeks and soak my pillow. I have a this deep and painful sense of loss. No one grows up dreaming of raising someone else's kids. I wanted my own kids. I wanted them to grow inside me. I wanted to be in awe of them at their birth, I wanted to feel that overpowering love parents talk about. I wanted to burst into tears of joy because this beautiful little creature was mine. I wanted to wanted to watch my children as they grew and see parts of myself within them.

I don't know how to overcome the terrible sadness I have for the loss of the children I'll never have. I don't know how to let this go so I can fully embrace my stepchildren. I know my boyfriend is right when he says I'm holding back with them. I also know that he is wrong when he tells me that there is no difference between having my own child and having his kids.

For me there is a difference. There is a very big difference and it hurts.

photo credit: Raphael Goetter via photopin cc

Bonding with Step Kids

photo credit: ~PhotograTree~ via photopin cc

Bonding with step kids does not happen overnight. At the end of having known my kids for a full year now, I feel like I am still just starting the process. According to everything I have read, and our therapist agrees, blending a family takes 5-7 years. 

Parents get to bond with their children from the day they are born. The connection is innate and mutual. Children naturally feel love and affection for their parents, these are the most important people in their lives. 

I want to feel that. I am a childless stepmother, which means I don't have kids of my own. Every once in a while I get a little glimmer of what that parent/child bond feels like but for the most part, what it feels like I get, is a lot of responsibility. 

My relationship with my step children will be what I make of it. If I do nothing and offer nothing, I will likely get nothing. So I offer myself. I make sure I am available to my step kids. I listen to them even when they are just rambling on about some kid thing I know nothing about. I ask them questions about school and any activities they are involved with. I do a million mundane everyday expected things like this. 

While all of those things matter, there are three specific things I do with my step children that I know are the keys to our bonding. 

1. I do crafts with the kids.
2. I have the kids help me cook.
3. We have a special show that we watch together.

Niether of my kids' biological parents can cook or turn a bottle cap into a necklace. These are special things that the children do with me. In our house these are what I think of as "safe activities" meaning that there are no loyalty issues for the kids because I am not treading in their mother's place. I do not try to do the same things she does with the children. The last thing I want to do is create a situation that feels to them like I am competing with their mother. 

The kids watch an array of annoying kid's shows. They watch sports with their dad and who knows what with their mom. We have a special show that we watch together though, just the kids and I. Yesterday, while the four of us were huddled together under blankets on the couch, my oldest stepson said, "I like it when we watch this show together, it feels cozy". My heart melted a little and the memory still makes me feel emotional. I assure you that the show we watch together is not "cozy", he was referring to all of us and the comfortable, mutual relationship bonds we are building. 

Bonus vs Step in Blended Families

Does the Step in Stepmom and Stepchild really have a bad connotation? Frankly, I don't think it has anything to do with the actual word. If you are going to get your panties in a wad over a word that simply explains to others how your family fits together, good luck dealing with any issues that actually might affect your life.

I've been a stepmom for about a year now. Or to be completely upfront and exact, I have been in my boyfriend's, childrens' lives for almost a year. Dad's girlfriend really doesn't do justice to my position in the kids lives. I never thought much about the term stepmom. When I found myself becoming one I defined it as, at dad's house I "step" in and fill the mother role. That is not actually where the step comes from, if you want to know the actual origin you can try to dissect the definition found in the Online Etymology Dictionary.

Some stepmoms opt to use the word "bonus" instead of step. This I don't understand. In a child's life how in the world can one more parent be a bonus? Kids want to rebel and get away with all the things we tell them not to do. I'm pretty sure 3 or 4 parents instead of just 2 puts a major cramp in the ease of parental manipulation children are trying to achieve. They also now have to navigate the complicated and often negative relationships between all those parents.

I do see how the addition of another person can be a bonus, especially one who loves and cares for the child. A relationship that creates security is a bonus. An extra parent, not so much bonus there.

In my family we use the word step to help someone else see our family tree clearly. If someone calls me mom, no one jumps to correct them unless clarification is necessary. The step also helps the kids not feel like I am trying to take their mother's place. I'm not sure bonus would do the same thing.

Bonus just sounds like you are scared of the word step and the realities that come along with the fact that you are the stepmom not the mom. These are your step kids not your kids. Those can be painful facts to face. You have all the best intentions, but you are not an equal parent. You love these kids and you may be doing just as much if not more than their mom, but they don't love you the same way they love her.

You can use bonus, but the biological mom's at the soccer game are still not going to give you full mom credit. Your partner is still going to slip every once in a while and say, you don't understand because you don't have kids of your own. Your "bonus" kid is still going to going to yell, you aren't my mom when he gets mad.

Step is just a word and it happens to be the word used to describe the relationship between members of blended families. Changing the word won't change it's "connotation". I think what really needs to change is your perception of the word and perhaps your expectations of the relationships you are building.