The Label of Stepmom

Climbing the Family Tree

I label myself as a stepmother. It is the most accurate description for the role I fill in my kids’ lives. They label me as their stepmom because it is the easiest explanation for who I am in their lives.

Yes, I sometimes call them my kids. They are the children in my life. They live with their father and I 50% of the time. When I go to their school or sporting events and someone asks me “which child is yours?” I don’t say, “none of them”. I say, “that one”. Sometimes I explain further that I am the stepmom, sometimes I say I am their father’s girlfriend. It all depends on the situation and who I am talking to.

I label myself as girlfriend when referring to my relationship with my boyfriend. Sometimes I label him as my partner. I guess you could get technical and label him my domestic partner, but that just sounds so stiff and formal.

I label my stepkids’ grandma, grandma. She is their grandmother 100%, even though she has no biological or legal bond to them. Her emotional bond is just as deep with my boyfriend’s kids as it is with her own biological grandchildren.

My parents label me a mother, because that is the role I fill in my house. I have more than once, in my adjustment into parenthood, been told by my parents “that is the mom’s job”. They are not insinuating that I am, or should be, taking the children’s mother’s place. They are simply using a label.

Some of the family members that I label “cousin” are actually my mom’s cousins. I’m not really sure what my first cousin’s daughter is to me either so I just label her cousin as well.  

We all go by many relational labels, none of which do anything but help others categorize our relationships with different people. Mother, Stepmother, Father, Stepfather, Sister, Brother, Aunt, Uncle, Cousin, Niece, Grandparents, Girlfriend, Boyfriend, Fiancé, Wife, Husband, Ex-wife, Ex-husband, Friend, Acquaintance, Boss, Co-worker, Supervisor, Artist, Mechanic, Teacher…

Some people are stricter about family relationship titles than others. I know a lot of people who chose not to have sex or to live together before they got married, no wait… I can actually only think of one couple who did that who I know personally and I’m not really sure about the sex part. It is 2012 not 1900, times and family dynamics have changed.

At my house, with my family, my label is stepmom. The kids call me Ash. They know that I am not married to their dad, but they also know that I love him with all my heart. They know that I am going to cook their dinners, make their lunches and help them with their homework. I am going to do everything that a stepmom or a mom is “supposed” to do.

When I fell in love with my boyfriend I knew I was stepping into a much bigger role than just girlfriend. I understood that I was stepping into the mother role in the home the children have when they are with us. I never mistake that role as actually being their mother, but I also never minimize the importance of the role I am playing in their lives. 

photo credit: shawnzrossi via photopin cc

Bonding with Step Kids

photo credit: ~PhotograTree~ via photopin cc

Bonding with step kids does not happen overnight. At the end of having known my kids for a full year now, I feel like I am still just starting the process. According to everything I have read, and our therapist agrees, blending a family takes 5-7 years. 

Parents get to bond with their children from the day they are born. The connection is innate and mutual. Children naturally feel love and affection for their parents, these are the most important people in their lives. 

I want to feel that. I am a childless stepmother, which means I don't have kids of my own. Every once in a while I get a little glimmer of what that parent/child bond feels like but for the most part, what it feels like I get, is a lot of responsibility. 

My relationship with my step children will be what I make of it. If I do nothing and offer nothing, I will likely get nothing. So I offer myself. I make sure I am available to my step kids. I listen to them even when they are just rambling on about some kid thing I know nothing about. I ask them questions about school and any activities they are involved with. I do a million mundane everyday expected things like this. 

While all of those things matter, there are three specific things I do with my step children that I know are the keys to our bonding. 

1. I do crafts with the kids.
2. I have the kids help me cook.
3. We have a special show that we watch together.

Niether of my kids' biological parents can cook or turn a bottle cap into a necklace. These are special things that the children do with me. In our house these are what I think of as "safe activities" meaning that there are no loyalty issues for the kids because I am not treading in their mother's place. I do not try to do the same things she does with the children. The last thing I want to do is create a situation that feels to them like I am competing with their mother. 

The kids watch an array of annoying kid's shows. They watch sports with their dad and who knows what with their mom. We have a special show that we watch together though, just the kids and I. Yesterday, while the four of us were huddled together under blankets on the couch, my oldest stepson said, "I like it when we watch this show together, it feels cozy". My heart melted a little and the memory still makes me feel emotional. I assure you that the show we watch together is not "cozy", he was referring to all of us and the comfortable, mutual relationship bonds we are building.