I'm Not a Mom, I Just Play One at My House

I am not a mom, but I have three kids. I do everything a mom does. I cook, clean, help with homework, read bedtime stories, plan vacations, drive kids to school... I'm expected to treat these three children just like they are my own. That is easier said than done.

Balancing work and family is difficult for any mom. For a stepmom it's even more difficult. Compromising for three kids I didn't bring into this world isn't easy. I have to balance work, my relationship with my partner, my relationship with kids who aren't mine, and the relationship or perceived relationship with the kids' mother. Oh, then there is the relationship with my family and his family. It feels a lot like like musical chairs and I am always the one who ends up without a chair.

There is the constant reminder that I am not a mom. He let's it slip, "you don't understand because you don't have kids". The kids sing the mommy song and do the mommy dance when it is time to go back to their mom's house. My family is great, but they don't acknowledge the children's birthdays, which feels like not acknowledging that I have kids.

On the outside I look like a contender for mom of the year. I go to little league games, soccer practice, I leave work early so my partner can coach the boys teams, I cook healthy meals plus a simplified version for the kids to eat, I plan birthday parties and I genuinely am invested in his children. I want to be the best "mom" possible, but sometimes it hurts.

This past Sunday was Mother's Day. For me, this year, it came like a slap in the face. It screamed at me YOU ARE NOT A MOM. My partner was right when he told me I place a lot (he said too much) of significance on things like holidays and birthdays. It's not just mine though, I place significance on everyone on these days. I want everyone in my life to know that they matter. I want to know that I matter.

My partner was wonderful to me on Mother's Day. He celebrated me for being such a wonderful mother figure to his children. He let me know how much he appreciates me and everything I do. Despite all he did for me, I still have an empty spot in my heart. 

Childless Stepmom Pains

I cry a lot. Big swollen tears that streak my cheeks and soak my pillow. I have a this deep and painful sense of loss. No one grows up dreaming of raising someone else's kids. I wanted my own kids. I wanted them to grow inside me. I wanted to be in awe of them at their birth, I wanted to feel that overpowering love parents talk about. I wanted to burst into tears of joy because this beautiful little creature was mine. I wanted to wanted to watch my children as they grew and see parts of myself within them.

I don't know how to overcome the terrible sadness I have for the loss of the children I'll never have. I don't know how to let this go so I can fully embrace my stepchildren. I know my boyfriend is right when he says I'm holding back with them. I also know that he is wrong when he tells me that there is no difference between having my own child and having his kids.

For me there is a difference. There is a very big difference and it hurts.

photo credit: Raphael Goetter via photopin cc

Bonding with Step Kids

photo credit: ~PhotograTree~ via photopin cc

Bonding with step kids does not happen overnight. At the end of having known my kids for a full year now, I feel like I am still just starting the process. According to everything I have read, and our therapist agrees, blending a family takes 5-7 years. 

Parents get to bond with their children from the day they are born. The connection is innate and mutual. Children naturally feel love and affection for their parents, these are the most important people in their lives. 

I want to feel that. I am a childless stepmother, which means I don't have kids of my own. Every once in a while I get a little glimmer of what that parent/child bond feels like but for the most part, what it feels like I get, is a lot of responsibility. 

My relationship with my step children will be what I make of it. If I do nothing and offer nothing, I will likely get nothing. So I offer myself. I make sure I am available to my step kids. I listen to them even when they are just rambling on about some kid thing I know nothing about. I ask them questions about school and any activities they are involved with. I do a million mundane everyday expected things like this. 

While all of those things matter, there are three specific things I do with my step children that I know are the keys to our bonding. 

1. I do crafts with the kids.
2. I have the kids help me cook.
3. We have a special show that we watch together.

Niether of my kids' biological parents can cook or turn a bottle cap into a necklace. These are special things that the children do with me. In our house these are what I think of as "safe activities" meaning that there are no loyalty issues for the kids because I am not treading in their mother's place. I do not try to do the same things she does with the children. The last thing I want to do is create a situation that feels to them like I am competing with their mother. 

The kids watch an array of annoying kid's shows. They watch sports with their dad and who knows what with their mom. We have a special show that we watch together though, just the kids and I. Yesterday, while the four of us were huddled together under blankets on the couch, my oldest stepson said, "I like it when we watch this show together, it feels cozy". My heart melted a little and the memory still makes me feel emotional. I assure you that the show we watch together is not "cozy", he was referring to all of us and the comfortable, mutual relationship bonds we are building.