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Parents get to bond with their children from the day they are born. The connection is innate and mutual. Children naturally feel love and affection for their parents, these are the most important people in their lives.
I want to feel that. I am a childless stepmother, which means I don't have kids of my own. Every once in a while I get a little glimmer of what that parent/child bond feels like but for the most part, what it feels like I get, is a lot of responsibility.
My relationship with my step children will be what I make of it. If I do nothing and offer nothing, I will likely get nothing. So I offer myself. I make sure I am available to my step kids. I listen to them even when they are just rambling on about some kid thing I know nothing about. I ask them questions about school and any activities they are involved with. I do a million mundane everyday expected things like this.
While all of those things matter, there are three specific things I do with my step children that I know are the keys to our bonding.
- I do crafts with the kids.
- I have the kids help me cook.
- We have a special show that we watch together.
Niether of my kids' biological parents can cook or turn a bottle cap into a necklace. These are special things that the children do with me. In our house these are what I think of as "safe activities" meaning that there are no loyalty issues for the kids because I am not treading in their mother's place. I do not try to do the same things she does with the children. The last thing I want to do is create a situation that feels to them like I am competing with their mother.
The kids watch an array of annoying kid's shows. They watch sports with their dad and who knows what with their mom. We have a special show that we watch together though, just the kids and I. Yesterday, while the four of us were huddled together under blankets on the couch, my oldest stepson said, "I like it when we watch this show together, it feels cozy". My heart melted a little and the memory still makes me feel emotional. I assure you that the show we watch together is not "cozy", he was referring to all of us and the comfortable, mutual relationship bonds we are building.
How can you call yourself a "STEPMOM", when you are not married to the childrens father???????
ReplyDeleteI call myself a stepmom because I am. I live with my boyfriend and his children. I cook them dinner and I make them lunches. I help them with their homework and I wash their laundry. I care for them when they are sick and I hold them when they cry. I welcome them into my life, I accept them as my children even if I did not give birth to them. I do a million other things for them just like every stepmom and every mother does for her children. But no, I am not actually married to their father.
DeleteChores, sympathy and empathy do not make you a stepmom, sounds like a "housekeeper".
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure that, picking up after kids, taking care of them and caring for them are actually all qualities of a mother and you would hope a stepmother as well.
DeleteWell, as a mother of one and stepmother of 2... I do actually think chores, sympathy, and empathy are pretty much what being a mom is all about!
ReplyDeleteIt's true, Lisa! Not to mention a shoulder to cry on, bandaging scrapes, trips to the doctor/dentist/hair salon, school functions and helping with homework...yep, sounds like a step-/mom! Conversely, just because one may be a bioparent doesn't mean they are necessarily doing these same things on a regular basis for their own kids.
ReplyDeleteI am also not married to my fiance yet. I love and care for his 3 children 24/7. I would not change a thing. I am completely in live with him, and the children complete us. I do EVERYTHING with and for them. I have raised his youngest son since he was 14 months old. He knows his biological mother and he knows and lives with me, yet chooses to also call me "Mommy". His daughters are amazing. They tell everyone I am their step-mom. They make me mothers day cards every year. I am their 'Mommy Sara' I'm so lucky to have these wonderful step children in my life as they also feel, they are so lucky to have me in there lives. So no I am not yet married , but I can proudly say I am a Step mother!!
ReplyDeleteWow!I'm replying as "anonymous " also because well...I just choose to, but please know I'm not the same hateful person who makes negative comments....What I want to share is personal and yet I still think its important to share. It does sound like the other, nasty "Anonymous" is either your children's bio mom or just someone's bio mom who's taking their grudge out on you. Personal or not....don't reply. You're only fueling this person's anger (which probably stems from hurt...not that that is your issue or responsibility) by giving "Her" attention. Her comments don't deserve the attention they've garnered from you or your readers. My personal opinions of your situation don't matter nor do hers. Its your life, live it and continue to share it with others if you choose but know that you're opening yourself up to both accolades and critisism...and love your life exactly as it is, change it if its not working, do whatever works...but if I can offer one tiny piece of advice not as a stepmom, I only have biological children but I am the child of both a stepfather and a stepmother. But before I gained these two extra parents, who after 20+ years are very much a fully integrated part of my and my kid's lives, I had another step mom. Your boyfriend needs to put the kids need if not before yours, at least equal to yours and you and the other parents involved in raising these kids need to be civil and respectful of one another and the children's feelings. And you should try to put their feelings first as well (it sounds like you do and Im sure its not aways easy.) Trust me, as that child now grown up...we hear, see, and comprehend far more than anyone gives us credit for...and we do have feelings that shouldn't be set aside. I had reservations reading your blog and all the defense and support that you are their step mom, (I think you deserve the title but hear me out please) because I too had a step mom who wasn't married to my dad and I became VERY attached to her and loved her very much because she too went out of her way to bond with me...and then they broke up (even though they lived together with the intent to get married. Things change. Kids don't understand why) and she was gone from my life. It devastated me...just something to think about...because it seems like you've thought this through alot, do you have a "contingency plan" if you and their father break up...how you will handle it with the kids? Will you remain as dedicated to them when you're bitter and heartbroken? I hope so. I don't need an answer, I'm just a stranger...but as I said, as a grown child of divorce and more than one step mom and a step dad and step and half siblings...you have to communicate and be very careful with these children...they're fragile and learning how to form relationships amongst many other things, from every person who parents them. Just something to think about....
ReplyDeleteI think your comment is wonderful and it is exactly why I do not moderate my comments. I am raw and real. I want people to make me think.
DeleteI have thought about all the things you mention in your response. My boyfriend and I both understand how devastating it will be to the children if we ever breakup. Their is no contingency plan, I can't come up with any that would work. What we have instead is an understanding and a promise.
We understand that the strength of our relationship is paramount. We promise to hear and support each other. We know what is at stake, and keeping our family together is our priority.
I find it shallow that people think "Anonymous" is the mother of the children. I am the "Anonymous" writer and I assure you I am not the childrens Mother! Just a concerned person and don't want the kids to be any more confused then they already are. Divorce is very hard on children already. Anonymous
ReplyDeleteHow do you know that the kids are confused? I have no idea who you are, so I assume that you have no idea what happens in my home or how these children are adjusting to their parents divorce.
DeleteIf you are telling the kids you are their stepmom and your not then i am sure they are confused.
DeleteThe kids aren't confused. They know that we are not married. They are smart kids. They would however be confused by these strange attacking comments you continue to leave on my blog.
DeleteNot attacks? Sorry you are defensive and angry :-)
ReplyDelete