Childless Stepmom Pains

I cry a lot. Big swollen tears that streak my cheeks and soak my pillow. I have a this deep and painful sense of loss. No one grows up dreaming of raising someone else's kids. I wanted my own kids. I wanted them to grow inside me. I wanted to be in awe of them at their birth, I wanted to feel that overpowering love parents talk about. I wanted to burst into tears of joy because this beautiful little creature was mine. I wanted to wanted to watch my children as they grew and see parts of myself within them.

I don't know how to overcome the terrible sadness I have for the loss of the children I'll never have. I don't know how to let this go so I can fully embrace my stepchildren. I know my boyfriend is right when he says I'm holding back with them. I also know that he is wrong when he tells me that there is no difference between having my own child and having his kids.

For me there is a difference. There is a very big difference and it hurts.

photo credit: Raphael Goetter via photopin cc

I'm Going to Be Writing for StepMom Magazine!

I'm very excited to announce that starting in December I will be contributing articles to StepMom Magazine! StepMom Magazine is a must read for any stepmoms out there learning how to navigate their way through stepfamilyhood.

My articles will be about crafting and cooking with the kids. Perfect for me! Those are the two biggest most important things that I do with my stepkids that help us bond. The kids are excited too, they think it is way cool that their stepmom is going to be writing for a real magazine.

The biggest challenge is going to be narrowing down to one the craft and recipe to submit! December is the holiday issue so of course we are going with the holiday theme. At our house we love to decorate for the holidays and make fun foods. This is like an excuse for us to have even more fun and kick our creative up a notch!

Understanding Men

photo credit: Bourguiboeuf viaphotopin cc

Sometimes I honestly do think that men are from Mars. My theory is that some female alien species got completely fed up with them, disguised them in a pretty package, brought them to our planet then high-tailed it out of our atmosphere before the women of earth realized what was going on. Until we become advanced enough to pull the same trick on some other unsuspecting female species, we are stuck trying to communicate them.

Man-
You always have to have something to complain about. You are looking for ways to be happy. You always see the negative. You need to take negatives and turn them into positives. You would be amazed how much your life can change if you just do that.

Woman-
Her brain is desperately trying to figure this out. Am I really so negative? Is it possible that he is right? How did we get here from, can you pick up your socks?

Man-
Someone told me about a book once, they said I should read it. It is called Don't Sweat the Small Stuff. I'll order it for you.

Woman-
Is he serious? He thinks I need a self-help book because I'm asking him to pick up after himself? She knows he never actually read the book

Man-
It feels like you are trying to control me. 

Woman's Thoughts-
What the hell is with men and control? The last thing I want is to control my man. I don't want to control anyone. Controlling someone is a lot of work. What I want is for him to pick up his "socks" and all the other crap he leaves laying around. I'm pretty sure that I am the one who is actually being controlled, these conversations leave me feeling brainwashed.

Brainwashed Woman-
Ok, you are right it's just small stuff let me pick up your socks, then I'll happily do the laundry and the dishes while you sit on the couch and relax. 

Man-
Thanks babe, you are the best. Would you mind getting me a beer?

Woman's Thoughts- 
Why don't I feel happy? Oh right that is resentment building up inside me. I don't want to pick up his small stuff. His small stuff is creating a whole lot of BIG stuff and I'm pretty sure one day I am going to explode. Socks are going to fly everywhere, it is going to be a huge mess. I wonder if he will help me clean it up or if he'll just walk away.

Woman- 
Do you really think I am trying to control you?

Man- 
Ah, baby why are you still thinking about that? Don't worry about it, it's no big deal. I forgot all about it. Come here and let me give you a hug.

Woman-
REALLY?

Really. I really do believe that it doesn't go past the actual talking part for a man. For a him, the second the conversations stops, it's over. Women on the other hand are still fretting and fuming 2 hours, 2 days and sometimes 2 weeks later. It drives me absolutely insane and I don't want that to be the truth of the matter, but it is. Until of course the next time he leaves his "socks" out and it starts all over again. A big ugly deja vu. It's going to end with you crying and him watching football. You know he is probably going to take off his socks and leave them on the coffee table too. Oblivious to the fact that the socks symbolize so much more.

Bonding with Step Kids

photo credit: ~PhotograTree~ via photopin cc

Bonding with step kids does not happen overnight. At the end of having known my kids for a full year now, I feel like I am still just starting the process. According to everything I have read, and our therapist agrees, blending a family takes 5-7 years. 

Parents get to bond with their children from the day they are born. The connection is innate and mutual. Children naturally feel love and affection for their parents, these are the most important people in their lives. 

I want to feel that. I am a childless stepmother, which means I don't have kids of my own. Every once in a while I get a little glimmer of what that parent/child bond feels like but for the most part, what it feels like I get, is a lot of responsibility. 

My relationship with my step children will be what I make of it. If I do nothing and offer nothing, I will likely get nothing. So I offer myself. I make sure I am available to my step kids. I listen to them even when they are just rambling on about some kid thing I know nothing about. I ask them questions about school and any activities they are involved with. I do a million mundane everyday expected things like this. 

While all of those things matter, there are three specific things I do with my step children that I know are the keys to our bonding. 

1. I do crafts with the kids.
2. I have the kids help me cook.
3. We have a special show that we watch together.

Niether of my kids' biological parents can cook or turn a bottle cap into a necklace. These are special things that the children do with me. In our house these are what I think of as "safe activities" meaning that there are no loyalty issues for the kids because I am not treading in their mother's place. I do not try to do the same things she does with the children. The last thing I want to do is create a situation that feels to them like I am competing with their mother. 

The kids watch an array of annoying kid's shows. They watch sports with their dad and who knows what with their mom. We have a special show that we watch together though, just the kids and I. Yesterday, while the four of us were huddled together under blankets on the couch, my oldest stepson said, "I like it when we watch this show together, it feels cozy". My heart melted a little and the memory still makes me feel emotional. I assure you that the show we watch together is not "cozy", he was referring to all of us and the comfortable, mutual relationship bonds we are building. 

How to Get More Followers

Growing your online audience is not as important as engaging the audience you already have. Your current audience is much more likely to attract your future audience to your site then you are. 

What that means for you is that you are going to have to spend a lot more time engaging people. You need to talk to them and more importantly, listen to what they are saying. Learning about "your" people will allow you to discover what they actually want. When you discover what they want you can much more effectively deliver it to them. 

You might have 1000 followers on twitter but are they actually your people? Only 16% of US adults are on twitter and 40% of them aren't participating. 96% of the people who "like" your Facebook page will never return to it again. If you are managing to attract people to your sites, are you then giving them any reason to stay? (Stats from the Social Media Strategy Summit in San Francisco Sept. 25-26)

Three simple beginner steps to getting more followers on your social networks are:

• Engage your audience
• Create compelling content
• Include visuals

#1 Engage Your Audience

This means actually talking to them about something they are interested in. Comment on something they say. Go check out their blog, leave a comment and then tweet the link with a shout out to them personally. Answer their questions. If they comment on something you wrote, send them a thank you. Absolutely be authentic with all your online interactions. 

DON'T 

Send messages on twitter like this- 

Thanks for following :) May I invite you to explore an incredible opportunity, it'll blow you away: http://........ 

That message sent to me resulted in immediate distrust, I did not follow the link and I responded to the the person by saying they looked like spam and unfollowing them.

#2 Create Compelling Content

Write and post about what your audience is actually interested in, not what you think they are interested in or what you want them to be interested in. Come up with a strategy for what you are going to post each week. Post some fun stuff. No one wants to see boring content filling up their news feed and home pages every day. 

#3 Include Visuals

People are visual and the Internet is a visual world. Images and videos are King when it comes to increasing your views. On Facebook it isn't worth posting without a visual attached. If your headline was good enough to actually get someone to your blog post, don't blow it by not including a relevant and compelling image. 

*There are rules to using images online. Don't go stealing other people's work. Sara Hawkins from Social Media Examiner wrote this in-depth article on the subject: Copyright, Fair use and How it Works for Online Images.

Obviously there is more to it all than just those three tips. Another tip is not to post too much. Most people, if they actually follow the link to your post, aren't likely to read past the first 2 lines. Stay tuned, I promise to post more.

Do you have questions? Leave a comment below.

Weight Loss Motivation

1 year and 15 pounds ago...

I know you are looking at that photo and every other photo on this blog thinking what the hell is this skinny girl thinking she needs to lose weight for. Well my dirty little secret is that every single photo I have posted online is at least 9 months old.

It's like my body turned 35 and just turned to me and said, "Sorry girl you are on your own from here on out". Dude body, not cool! I'm a skinny girl, I don't know how to diet or to monitor how much I am eating. I also don't know how to deal with these uncomfortable new rolls I've been developing in my torso. Muffin tops taste good but they don't feel so great with your jeans all digging up into your faux baby bump.

A skinny girl's biggest fear is getting fat. For most of us a MAJOR part of our identity has always come from the way we look. When that starts to fail us, we don't really know what to do. Confidence is very much tied to body image.

I thought maybe my weight gain was just a phase. I convinced myself it was from starting to take birth control pills again. Unfortunately my gynecologist burst my hopeful little bubble. Maybe 5 pounds, she said, but not 15.

I am starting a 90 day fitness challenge on Monday. I am scared. Not of the challenge itself but that I won't be able to motivate myself to follow through. That is why I am posting about it online. Sharing my challenge online and joining a 90 day fitness challenge program will basically make me feel obligated to stick with it.

So, hold me accountable and ask me how I'm doing with my challenge. I want that body in the picture back. Well almost, I wouldn't mind keeping some of the butt I've gained, and if I could only shift a bit  of my tummy up to my boobs...

Bonus vs Step in Blended Families

Does the Step in Stepmom and Stepchild really have a bad connotation? Frankly, I don't think it has anything to do with the actual word. If you are going to get your panties in a wad over a word that simply explains to others how your family fits together, good luck dealing with any issues that actually might affect your life.

I've been a stepmom for about a year now. Or to be completely upfront and exact, I have been in my boyfriend's, childrens' lives for almost a year. Dad's girlfriend really doesn't do justice to my position in the kids lives. I never thought much about the term stepmom. When I found myself becoming one I defined it as, at dad's house I "step" in and fill the mother role. That is not actually where the step comes from, if you want to know the actual origin you can try to dissect the definition found in the Online Etymology Dictionary.

Some stepmoms opt to use the word "bonus" instead of step. This I don't understand. In a child's life how in the world can one more parent be a bonus? Kids want to rebel and get away with all the things we tell them not to do. I'm pretty sure 3 or 4 parents instead of just 2 puts a major cramp in the ease of parental manipulation children are trying to achieve. They also now have to navigate the complicated and often negative relationships between all those parents.

I do see how the addition of another person can be a bonus, especially one who loves and cares for the child. A relationship that creates security is a bonus. An extra parent, not so much bonus there.

In my family we use the word step to help someone else see our family tree clearly. If someone calls me mom, no one jumps to correct them unless clarification is necessary. The step also helps the kids not feel like I am trying to take their mother's place. I'm not sure bonus would do the same thing.

Bonus just sounds like you are scared of the word step and the realities that come along with the fact that you are the stepmom not the mom. These are your step kids not your kids. Those can be painful facts to face. You have all the best intentions, but you are not an equal parent. You love these kids and you may be doing just as much if not more than their mom, but they don't love you the same way they love her.

You can use bonus, but the biological mom's at the soccer game are still not going to give you full mom credit. Your partner is still going to slip every once in a while and say, you don't understand because you don't have kids of your own. Your "bonus" kid is still going to going to yell, you aren't my mom when he gets mad.

Step is just a word and it happens to be the word used to describe the relationship between members of blended families. Changing the word won't change it's "connotation". I think what really needs to change is your perception of the word and perhaps your expectations of the relationships you are building.

Undergoing Some Major Changes

Hey life changes and the only thing we can do is adapt. I'm excited about the changes I'm making and I think you will be too. Bear with me while I get it all reorganized! 

Best Chicken Salad Recipe EVER

Best Chicken Salad Recipe Ever

I seriously make the best chicken salad. I love it, during the summer I make it almost every week! Everyone who tries it asks for the recipe, so here it is.

Ingredients

• 2 large boneless skinless chicken breasts. (I always get organic)
• 1/2 - 2/3 cup Mayonaise 
• 1 1/2 cups green grapes halved
• 4-5 stalks celery sliced
• 1/3 cup currants
• 1/2 cup chopped walnuts
• 1-2 TBS tarragon chopped
• salt and pepper to taste
• grapeseed or other cooking oil

Directions

1. Heat your oven to 350 degrees.
2. In an oven safe dish coat your chicken breast with oil, salt and pepper
3. Cook the chicken until done, about 20 mins.
4. You can cube your chicken now or wait until it cools. I often cook my chicken the day before I am going to make my salad.
5. When the chicken is cold and cubed, add the rest of the ingredients and mix it all together. 
6. Taste test and see if you need more salt, pepper or tarragon
7. Eat up! 

You can alter the recipe to your taste. I like to have a lot of celery and grapes in mine. I love tarragon and I think it is the secret to this amazing chicken salad, not everyone is a fan though. It still works if you leave the tarragon out. I have replaced it in the past with fresh oregano. 

I hope you enjoy this Chicken Salad as much as my family does!!!

Caprese Breakfast Recipe

Caprese Breakfast Recipe Ingredients

The Way to a Man's Heart is Through His Stomach

I think my boyfriend feel in love with me because of this breakfast. I'm not even kidding. It was the first meal I ever made for him and he has talked about it, begged for it and told me I should start a restaurant because of it, ever since.

The recipe is very simple, the hardest part is not breaking the yolk of your over easy egg. You will need a frying pan, toaster, cutting board, knife, spatula, plate, and a fork.

Ingredients needed per person-

• 1 egg 
• 1 piece toast
• baby spinach, small handful
• 6 basil leaves, torn
• 5 boconccini (fresh mozzarella balls about 1' in diameter), cut in half
• 6 cherry or grape tomatoes, cut in half
• 1/2 TBS pesto
• salt
• pepper
• olive oil
• balsamic vinegar

Directions:

Get everything out, these are really quick to make, you won't want to be getting anything out of the fridge at the last minute.

1. Cut your tomatoes and cheese
2. Tear (or cut) your basil
3. Oil your frying pan and put it on Med. heat
4. Put your bread in the toaster
5. Cook your egg over easy, add salt and pepper to taste
6. While it is cooking your bread should finish toasting, spread your pesto on the bread. Put it on plate. 
7. Your egg should be done, throw it on top of the pesto toast (I like to break the yolk now so it runs all over)
8. Put the basil, spinach, tomatoes and cheese on top of the egg
9. Drizzle the whole thing with olive oil and balsamic vinegar
10. EAT, YUMMY

Caprese Breakfast

Wine Bottle Glasses

Wine Bottle Glasses

My first attempt at making wine bottle glasses was a total failure, but I persevered and I am now a pro at how to cut a wine bottle. Surprisingly, the cutting the wine bottle is by far the easiest part of making wine bottle crafts. Getting the label off the bottle and sanding down the rim after splitting the bottle are much much more difficult and time consuming!

I think this is probably my favorite of the recycled crafts I am making right now. So far I have only made drinking glasses and wine bottle vases but I've pinned a few other inspiring upcycled wine bottle creations to my Pinterest boards.

Do a google search and you will find numerous tutorials for cutting wine bottles and how to make glasses out of wine bottles online. Of course if you find the wrong one, you will end up as disappointed as I was the first time. I am considering doing a wine bottle glasses tutorial of my own, I'm just not sure where to start. Should I start from getting the label off the bottle and go all the way through sanding the rim? Or should I just to a how to on the actual breaking of the bottle?

Wine Bottle Drinking Glasses

Wine Bottle Drinking Glasses

Wine Bottle Drinking Glasses

I have been so excited to try this! Fire and breaking glass, what could possibly be more fun? I've been saving my bottles since I first came across wine bottle drinking glasses on Pinterest. Over the weekend some friends and I from my Meetup group, South Bay Upcycled Sewing, got together to break glass.

We had a blast, but sadly the photo above was our only successful glass from our 18 broken bottles. We were a bummed at our results but not deterred. All the tutorials we'd seen had made it seem so easy. There must be some simple explanation for our failure. We thought it may lie in more ice. Our bottles were breaking but we were getting a lot of fractures and cracks.

We played around with different yarn too. At first we were using acrylic, not a good choice. It didn't burn hot enough. When we switched to cotton we got a much hotter flame but still no better results.

After my friends went home I was determined to get to the bottom of this! I scoured the internet looking for alternative methods and an explanation for our poor results. I found one, I place an order for a bottle glass cutter and I am eagerly awaiting it's arrival. Stay tuned for Wine Bottle Drinking Glasses take 2!

Breaking bottles with FIRE!

Zombie Feltie Kitty

Zombie Kitty

How Cute is this little cat? Ok, so she is supposed to be dead which is a little disturbing. You have to check out this book, Zombie Felties. There is even a Michael Jackson zombie feltie named Thrilla! The kids and I are hooked.

dead duckies

As far as easy crafts for kids go, these guys are definitely on the difficult side. Even the single skull difficulty level (which means easiest) zombies are a challenge for little hands that haven't sewn before. I was frustrated teaching the kids to tie knots and constantly reminding them which stitch they were working with, but, they loved it.

They are very proud of their little "dead ducky" creations. Not bad for a 8 and 9 year old who have never sewn before. They think they are totally ready to move on to a two skull difficulty level zombie (actually they are convinced they are ready to tackle the four star zombie surfer). I'm not so sure... I better do some yoga and practice deep breathing to prepare!

I didn't realize how small these little zombies were going to be. They are only about 2 inches tall. I had a lot of felt left over. Can't let that go to waste! I'm hosting a Meetup in Menlo Park, CA (San Francisco Bay Area) to make more of these little critters. The felt was the only supply I had to buy for this project. I already had the rest of the bits and bobs in my abundant stash of crafty goodness. I love that there is part of a bracelet that I made in high school around my zombie kitty's neck. (The black and white beads are supposed to represent an eyeball. Did you see that when you looked at the picture? Neither did I.)

Stay tuned, there are more zombie felties to come...

Hootie the Upcycled Owl

Hootie the Upcycled Owl

This tutorial, It’s a Hoot! Felt Owls from Styrofoam Balls, caught my eye a while back. Of course I couldn't make my owl out of felt. I pulled out my stash of FabMo fabrics and voila, It's a Hoot got Upcycled! 

He turned out pretty cute but he was a lot more work than I had anticipated. I used permanent fabric adhesive glue, instead of a glue gun as they did in the felt tutorial, to minimize fraying. 

When my niece saw him she immediately claimed him. Hootie is going to be a gift for her favorite babysitter. 

Originally I thought this would be a good craft to do with the kids. I usually test out any projects I find myself before sitting the kids down and I'm really glad I did. This was way too much cutting out of small pieces and somewhat precise gluing for little fingers. Perhaps the felt version is a bit easier to handle, but the hot glue gun is a bit of the worry for the younger ones. 

The Original Felt Owls

Re-birth

It's been a while since my last post. A LOT has change in my life since I started this blog, a lot has changed since my last post on this blog. Finally everything is settling back in to place, it's a completely different, better place and I am HAPPY.

Two years ago when I started this blog I was married, living in Lake Tahoe, CA and so sick with Lyme disease that I could hardly leave the house. A few months later I left my husband, moved in with family, and started trying to sort myself and my life out. My blog and my crafting took a backseat. Now I am healthy, living back in the San Francisco Bay Area and I am in a wonderful relationship with a great guy who happens to have 3 kids under 10. Yeah, sometimes I think I am crazy too. I had no how consuming little league baseball was!

The most exciting thing in my life right now is that we are moving. Finally after almost a year and a half of moving around and living in spaces to small to really get my craft on, I am going to have a place for my sewing machine and my collection of materials to upcycle. I don't think my boyfriend has realized just how much sewing and craft stuff I have. I think he might freak a little, but his kids love being crafty with me so he'll come around.

Kids are definitely consuming. I wasn't so naive as to think that they weren't, but I have a whole new appreciation for all the mother's out there. Where in the world does all that energy come from? How the heck to you get them to eat their veggies? Are they hearing impaired? There is a lot to adjust to. It's pretty cool when they tell you they love you, give you a hug, and wish you a Happy Mother's Day though.

In two weeks we will be in our new house, our new home. We will have space to live, a backyard for BBQ's, a BIG kitchen for veggie mad-science, and a room where I can design & sew. I already have so many plans about what to make that I don't even know where I'll start.

Other important things that have changed:
My name. I went back to my maiden name: Ashley Grant
My email address: upcycledbyash@gmail.com