Thursday, October 18, 2012
Childless Stepmom Pains
I cry a lot. Big swollen tears that streak my cheeks and soak my pillow. I have a this deep and painful sense of loss. No one grows up dreaming of raising someone else's kids. I wanted my own kids. I wanted them to grow inside me. I wanted to be in awe of them at their birth, I wanted to feel that overpowering love parents talk about. I wanted to burst into tears of joy because this beautiful little creature was mine. I wanted to wanted to watch my children as they grew and see parts of myself within them.
I don't know how to overcome the terrible sadness I have for the loss of the children I'll never have. I don't know how to let this go so I can fully embrace my stepchildren. I know my boyfriend is right when he says I'm holding back with them. I also know that he is wrong when he tells me that there is no difference between having my own child and having his kids.
For me there is a difference. There is a very big difference and it hurts.
photo credit: Raphael Goetter via photopin cc