I cry a lot. Big swollen tears that streak my cheeks and soak my pillow. I have a this deep and painful sense of loss. No one grows up dreaming of raising someone else's kids. I wanted my own kids. I wanted them to grow inside me. I wanted to be in awe of them at their birth, I wanted to feel that overpowering love parents talk about. I wanted to burst into tears of joy because this beautiful little creature was mine. I wanted to wanted to watch my children as they grew and see parts of myself within them.
I don't know how to overcome the terrible sadness I have for the loss of the children I'll never have. I don't know how to let this go so I can fully embrace my stepchildren. I know my boyfriend is right when he says I'm holding back with them. I also know that he is wrong when he tells me that there is no difference between having my own child and having his kids.
For me there is a difference. There is a very big difference and it hurts.
photo credit: Raphael Goetter via photopin cc
How can you call yourself a "STEPMOM", when you are not married to the childrens father???????
ReplyDeleteI certainly hope that their mother's boyfriend takes his role in the children's lives as seriously as I do. We may not be legally married to their biological parents but we are having a major impact on their lives. If we don't see ourselves as parents, what are we?
DeleteHopefully good role models
DeleteYes hopefully.
DeleteWow, Anonymous sure has awesome punctuation skills.
ReplyDeleteAshley I am so impressed by you and how seriously you take your role as a "stepmom" to these kids. They are very lucky to have you and so is your boyfriend!!!
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, shame on you for being so petty as to harp yet again on this "stepmom" terminology when this woman is pouring her heart out!
Ashley it sounds like you are a great role model. Those kids are lucky to have you in their home.
ReplyDeleteMaybe there needs to be a term for someone who is way more than dad's girlfriend and who is totally integrated into the life of the father and his kids. Until there is a term for that, I think what you do and how you feel for the kids easily qualifies as you being their step mom.
ReplyDeleteIt takes a lot of courage to write about such sensitive feelings. You're very brave, Ash! Keep up the great articles, I always enjoy reading them. BTW, not sure who this "Anonymous" is that continues to cut and paste the same comment on each post but props to you for not letting it bother you :-)
ReplyDeleteAshley, I really admire the way that you embrace, love, accept, care for, entertain, nurture, play with, feed, bathe, etc. etc. these adorable children. You may not have given birth to them and you may not be married to their father (maybe some day you will), but you love them no less because of it. I know that you put a lot of thought, care, time, love, and effort into your relationship both with your boyfriend and his kids. It doesn't matter if you are married to him or not, of if you are technically a step mom, those are just technicalities. What matters is that these children have as many loving adults and positive relationships in their lives as possible. You are loving these kiddos the best you know how and no one could ask for more. If step mom magazine considers you a step mom then you most certainly are. Thank you for writing about things that are real, vulnerable, and hard to say. We need more people in the world like you.
ReplyDeleteAshley, thank you for sharing your experience so candidly. I, too, am a childless stepparent. I have a wonderful marriage, I get along great with my stepchild, but it's still really hard not being a mom. Childless stepparents experience being a stepparent in a different way than those who have their own children. We face unique challenges. I think the most important thing I've done is to make peace with the fact that I am not a mom. I may co-parent with my husband, but I am not a parent. The part of myself I thought I would give my child – as a mom – has nowhere to go, and that’s okay. Facing that head-on has really lightened things up for me. I hope it's okay to share my blog here - may it be of benefit to you and others in our situation! http://childlessstepparent.wordpress.com
ReplyDeleteI don't know if this helps but... I was stepmother girlfriend when my stepson was 3. To him, life has ALWAYS been Mommy, Daddy, and Elizabeth. He can't remember a time when his parents were married. My husband and I (we married when stepson was 4), have a daughter together but she wasn't born until he was 9. I essentially have two, only children. A 12-year-old stepson and a 3-year-old daughter.
ReplyDeleteWhat I didn't mention is it took us three years to conceive our daughter due to health issues on my side, and the ex-wife had a daughter in that time frame, one year older than my daughter. I went through the full range of emotions including jealousy, rage, frustration, the "it's universally unfair!" etc. I too was caught up in the "I have to have a child of my OWN."
The reality is that I don't love my stepson any less than my daughter. I don't. Do I treat them differently? Yes, because they are different people, they have different needs. But at the fundamental "mine" level, they both are. They both get a kidney if they need it, they both get a set down, they both get 100% me as Mom. Perhaps it's because I've had to step up to play advocate for my stepson in a number of situations that put me toe-to-toe with his mother to get her to stop behavior that was hurting him. I've jumped on a plane for that boy to be there when he needed me and I didn't twice.
One way to look at it is this: you would never look at an adoptive parent and say "You're not a REAL parent," because of a lack of something as silly as DNA. I know you feel pain, I felt it, too. But when you can, try to think of yourself as an adoptive parent, that YOU are more than just a biological parent because you CHOOSE to be 110% there for the kids. The pain we feel when we are childless ourselves is 100% outside factors making us feel that way. We don't think when taking care of our stepchildren in a positive way "Man, this would be better if this child had grown in my uterus." No, we are happy and thrilled to have that positive moment with the child in our lives at that moment.
Watching biological children of your own is totally normal and what we're wired to feel. But please don't confuse that desire with the idea that it means you are unable to love your stepchildren to the full extent of your heart. That's just not the case. And if your family should change, and you adopt or have a biological child, I promise you won't feel like "Phew, finally I'm a parent." Instead it will be "Oh, this is just like the time I handled such-and-such with [insert stepchild's name]"
It's hard. I know it is, and I am a prefect stranger. But I never experienced feeling my daughter is more mine than my stepson. Both are mine, in one case because I choose to claim him and in the other because she is what arrived when hubby and I chose to have a baby. Our hearts are elastic and made to stretch with each child added to our family. You don't hold back with your stepchildren, you are their stepmother and you do the best job at it since you're the only stepmother they get. :) With a biological child, there is no magical "Oh, this is how it feels to love a child." I promise. :)
Sorry for the mistakes, my 3 year old was climbing on me as I wrote that... I didn't think TWICE about getting on a place for my stepson, and that's wanting biological children, not watching. Ooops.
DeleteThanks Elizabeth! I go through phases where I want my own and phases where I just think "hell no, I already have 3", at the moment I'm in the "just get me a dog" phase.
DeleteNice blog...I can certainly relate to your feelings.
ReplyDeleteIm having one of those spells where I can't stop crying. Can't stop. And I have my stepsons the majority of the time. Have been with them since 3&4. I feel guilty for not being thankful for what I do have. It just hurts so bad.
ReplyDelete